Pursuing Uncomfortable with Melissa Ebken

Episode 49: Pursuing Zero Mind-Cluck with Maria Finch

October 19, 2022 Melissa Ebken Episode 49
Pursuing Uncomfortable with Melissa Ebken
Episode 49: Pursuing Zero Mind-Cluck with Maria Finch
Show Notes Transcript

Maria T. Finch is an Inner Intelligence Coach at Silence the Mindcluck. Mindcluck means what you think it means…the mind chatter everyone experiences that can derail even the best moments. Maria works with high achievers who are unsatisfied in one or many aspects of their lives. She guides them to silence their mindcluck and tune into their inner intelligence to build and execute strategies that shift them from feeling frustrated AF to being the queens or kings of their lives.

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🎶 Podcast Intro: Welcome to the pursuing uncomfortable podcast, where we give you the encouragement you need to lean into the uncomfortable stuff life puts in front of you, so you can love your life. If you are ready to overcome all the yuck that keeps you up at night, you're in the right place. I am your host, Melissa Ebken let's get going. 🎶

🎶 Episode Intro: Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. So I have a question for you. Do you have mind cluck? If you're like me, that might be a new term, but it's not a new term for Maria Finch. She had mind cluck and she was able to manage it and get rid of it, most of the time. She's here to tell us all about it.  I'm excited to introduce you to Maria. 🎶

Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. So I have a question for Do you have mind cluck? If you're like me, that might be a new term, but it's not a new term for Maria Finch. She had mind cluck and she was able to manage it and get rid of it. Most of the time, she's here to tell us all about it. I'm excited to introduce you to Maria.

Melissa: 0:52

Hi Maria, and welcome to the Pursuing Uncomfortable Podcast. How are you

Maria: 0:56

today? I'm good, Melissa. Thank you so much for having me on. I'm thrilled to be here.

Melissa: 1:03

I can't wait to jump into your topic and for folks to hear your slogan, but before we do that, I have to talk about our very first phone call, I was, yeah, connecting with Maria over the phone instead of Zoom because I had to run into town, and she asked where I was from and I said, Well, I'm from Central Illinois outside of Springfield and get this. You know what Maria said? She said, Have you ever heard of Lipolis Maria? I almost lay my breaks on

Maria: 1:34

I can imagine. Yeah. It is such an incredible connection cuz it's such a tiny

Melissa: 1:41

town. It is. So I have been looking forward to this interview since that moment. Yeah, for a lot of reasons. That's just one of them. Yeah, likewise. No, it's an amazing connection to have. Yeah. Now Maria, I wanna get straight to it. You talk about mind clock. And I wanna be, be very clear when I enunciate that what is mind cluck?

Maria: 2:07

So mind cluck is the euphemism and it's just all of the mental chatter that we all experience. I mean, honestly, probably throughout the day. So it's anytime your mind starts talking to you and saying, Uh, you can't do that. Uh, you know, this isn't gonna go your way, whatever. It's, it's the negative mind chatter.

Melissa: 2:33

Yeah. I think we're all pretty familiar with that. There always seems to be a voice in the back of my head. Whatever I'm doing. And a lot of times it's positive, but a lot of times it's frustrated or judgemental or, Or kind of bossy or, or otherwise,

Maria: 2:50

right? It can take all sorts of forms, so it can be a critic, it can be. Uh, yeah, it can express frustration. It can, it can undermine even the best moments. Like you might be in a great moment and all of a sudden your mind go, just decides to tell you something about something and you just kind of go, ugh. Um, so unfortunately mine clock has a lot of power over all of us, and I just, I truly think of it as part of the human

Melissa: 3:16

condit. Oh, for sure. So how did you get into this business of helping people with mind Cluck? How did you find it within yourself and change it? You know, give us the story of Maria.

Maria: 3:32

Okay, so I have really, my whole life, I have really wanted to understand who I am and why I am the way I am. And in the process of doing that, I started to understand, I had a lot of limiting beliefs. I had a lot of things that my mind would tell me that weren't actually true, and the key to figuring that out and understanding it. Partly it was dear friends who would be like, Wait a minute, Why are you thinking that? But then it was also working with coaches and therapists who could say, Okay, let's unpack this and understand like, where does this believe come from and let's, let's change it. And I have found that to be so fulfilling and so powerful in just enabling me to access what I call my inner intelligence. So you could call it inner intelligence, inner wisdom, intuition, instinct, whatever you wanna call it. There's a million different names for it. But I find that when I'm able to, number one, recognize what my mind is telling me is mind click, and then ask myself. Do I believe that? And what do I think about that? I'm empowered. And then most often when you question yourself about a peace of mind click, you'll be like, Oh, no, no, that's not, that's not real. That's not true. That's not my best. That's not in my best interest to think that. And then you become empowered to think something else. And I have found this to be. Such a powerful change in my own life to be able to approach particularly times of stress when I can take a step back and I can be like, Okay, I'm tuning into my inner intelligence and I'm gonna approach it from there. And then just things are easier. And because I have essentially learned how to do this for myself, I am super passionate about helping others learn how to do it.

Melissa: 5:36

That's phenomenal. Can you give us a few examples of how it was present in your life?

Maria: 5:42

Oh, sure. Absolutely. So I, the, So I have worked for myself now for nine years, which makes me really happy. But prior to that I had a. Traditional job. I'm not gonna give you details because I never know who might listen to this,

Melissa: 5:58

but Absolutely. We don't wanna throw anyone under the button.

Maria: 6:01

Yeah, exactly. So in that particular job, I mean, it was a reasonably high level position and I was dealing with an incredibly challenging boss, and I kept trying to contort myself. To try and figure out how to make this situation better because it was a good job. I was well matched for what I was doing, but this person just kept essentially tripping me and causing, making things much more challenging than they needed to be. And the messages that my mind was giving me was, What are you doing wrong? Why can't you get along? Why aren't you better at navigating this? And essentially like beating myself up for what was a situation that I wasn't causing at all. And this was, this was a particularly powerful experience because one's job is, you know, essential to one's life. It's your income. Um, and there's a lot of self-esteem wrapped up in, in a job and doing a good job and feeling good about your job. And when I started to say like, Wait a minute, you know, I don't think I am doing anything wrong, and I actually think what this person's doing is wrong, and it's okay for me to stand up and say that. Like I don't have to blame everything on me. And so what I did was I said, Okay, I am gonna evaluate this as objectively as I can. I bounced it off of trusted people in my life and I started to give myself a different message, which was I'm not gonna allow someone to treat me that way, and I am gonna take charge of my own experience. And so I, and so what I did was I spoke with other members in the organization who might be helpful. You know, I tried a number of things to solve what I considered to be. Issue and none of them worked. And then I said, You know what? My time and my, my skills, what I have to offer are worth so much more. And so it is time to go. And instead of feeling bad about that, I felt good about that. And I could walk out the door of that job knowing that I had done everything that I could to try and make a situation better. And it was truly time to move on. And the mind clock that I had that had kept me in the position for much longer than I should have stayed, I finally overcame it. And I said, You know what? No. You know this, what he's doing is not fair. And it's okay for me to say, call a spade a. So that's, That's one example.

Melissa: 9:00

Yeah. That took a lot of courage to do that. I'm sure.

Maria: 9:05

Yeah, it did. And I mean there, the hardest thing was people in my life who were like, Are you sure you wanna do that? Cuz I quit a job without having another job. And you know, I, I'm not, I'm not out here preaching like, go ahead and quit your job if you hate a job. What I am preaching is really listen to, so number one, like listen to what your voices are. You know what your mind is telling you. And then decide like, is it true? Is it not true? Is it steering you in a particular direction that might actually serve you well? And then take a deep breath and truly ask yourself, what do you think? It's so often. We go through our days really kind of paying attention to other people's opinions or societal norms as opposed to truly tuning in and saying. What do I really think and feel about this particular situation? And I think anytime you can really connect with that inner wisdom, you're gonna have the right answer every time.

Melissa: 10:14

Mm. Or at least be a heck of a lot closer than you were

Maria: 10:18

before Absolutely. And you know, not that you can't. You're still gonna question things. I mean, that's also the nature of being human, is to be like, Well, am I right about this? Am I misinterpreting this in some way? But I think that we all have that really strong gut sense. It can just be hard to tune into it because we all have so many things coming at us all the time, particularly in today's society. So whether it's stuff you watch, read, listen to social media, other people's opinions, et cetera, to be able to actually close that out and really say, What do I think and value that? It's tremendously empowering.

Melissa: 11:02

You know, as a parent, I think that's a constant struggle that we have. Am I a good mom? Or for guys, am I a good dad? Am I a good spouse? Could I be doing better? Well, of course we could all be doing better, but that's not the point to be perfect at what we're doing. And Ali, I know so many times I've laid awake at night in my bed and thought, Am I giving? My kid's a foundation that he needs. Am I allowing him the independence he needs? Am I giving him too much independence? They're all of these voices and. Boy, to get those outta your head would be a powerful, powerful transformation.

Maria: 11:48

Yeah. I mean, I, So there, there are a number of ways to start to work with your mind, cook to figure out, you know, is this something you're gonna. Really tune into and listen to? Or is this something you're gonna let sort of float by you? Like, think of it as you put it on a cloud and the cloud floats by, or put it on like a stock ticker tape and the ticker tape goes by. Um, so I think that. I think always the first thing you've gotta ask yourself. Well, first thing you gotta do is actually even be aware that a thought is mind clock. And that can be a really big challenge. So how do we do that? Yeah. So the next time that your mind says something to you and it makes you feel something, Probably something negative. It makes you tense up a little bit. And this could be subtle. Um, you might get a little feeling in your stomach. You might just, you might just feel a little tense. And then the first thing to do is to say, Oh, wait a minute. Is that mine And then if you think it is, then I always think the first question to ask is, is it? Because I think so often mine clock actually isn't true. And I mean true in terms of facts. So is is it, You know, is it yes, Is it no and not in between? Like really being very discriminating about whether or not what your mind is telling you is true. Next thing you can ask yourself is, does this thought actually serve me? What is the point of this thought? So, so often what mind clock is about is it's, it's about protecting ourselves. So our mind says, Okay, right now you are safe, you're warm, you're fed, you're, you know, whatever. For people who are, obviously there are people who are not in that situation, that's a different thing. So we're not, we're not addressing that at this moment. So your mind is thinking if you're pushing yourself in any way or. You're thinking about, Well, maybe I should do this differently with my kids. Your mind's gonna be like, Nope, let's stick with status quo. Cause we know what that is. So you gotta challenge that a little bit and be like, But it really would be okay if I shift how I'm doing this and give another approach a try. So it's, some of it is also just about being really gentle with yourself and not just immediately believing that your mind tells you, which on some level, I really sounds a little nuts, but it really is worth questioning.

Melissa: 14:38

You know, another example of that. Hell, that's played out in my life, um, a few summers ago. I had in my mind the seed of a book, and I wanted to write this book. And I thought, Who am I to write a book? Who's gonna wanna buy this? You know, you gotta promote it, you gotta tell people about it. Who's gonna wanna buy a book that I wrote? And I was sharing this with a friend of mine. We were sitting on my front porch and you know, it's hard to beat a good front porch conversation. Absolutely. And she looked at me and she. Why wouldn't you? Who are you not to do that? Yeah. And that really caused me to pivot my mindset and to think differently. Uhhuh, And I think sometimes just having that friend or that person who can speak the truth to us and challenge those thoughts can really go a long way. And you know, even developing that skill ourselves even

Maria: 15:32

better. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think the people who are. Nearest and dearest to us who are not judgemental. You don't wanna run mind. Click by judgemental people. And we all know where judgemental people are in our lives. So you wanna run mind. Click by your nearest and dearest who are there to help you shine. And I think it can often be really easy for people who love us dearly and wanna help us achieve what we wanna achieve to be like, That's absolutely mine. Look, shut that down. Of course you should do that. You can also start to learn how to really do that for yourself. I think one of, one of the great ways is to write, and if you, if you. During the day or the next time you notice your mind telling you things where you're kinda like, I don't know what I think about this. Write it down, write it down, put it away, and then go back and look at it. And you might be like, Oh my gosh, why am I telling myself that? It gives you another way to analyze it cuz it puts it outside of you as opposed to just floating around in your own. Another thing that somebody told me about, and I love this idea, is take whatever your mind is telling you and think about putting it on a t-shirt and wearing it. And then ask yourself, Would you wear that t-shirt And if you wouldn't, why not? And you know, so, so if you're, so, say your mind is telling you, you know, you're a bad mom, you're not gonna walk around in a t-shirt saying, I'm a bad mom, you know, number one, I'm sure it's not true. But number two, like, you know that it's just sort of ridiculous. So then you can be like, Well wait a minute. That's kind of ridiculous. So that's mind clock. What would I rather think? What message would I rather give myself?

Melissa: 17:22

And you know, sometimes, especially when it comes to parenting and relationships, we feel like that standard is perfect. And if we're not perfect, then we have failed somehow. There's a lot of room. And a lot of space between perfect and failure, whether it's in parenting and relationships or anything else in life. And I think a lot of times we just gotta give ourselves the little grace. That one, we don't have to be perfect. I mean, if you're gonna launch a rocket or if you're gonna do neurosurgery, perfect is definitely the standard. In the bar be perfect. But if you're not launching a rocket and if you're not doing neurosurgery, maybe perfect isn't the best standard. I mean, sure she would high, but also give yourself a little grace.

Maria: 18:13

Yeah, I, I mean, I think there's so much about. Separating yourself from societal norms. So from everything that's out in the media, whether it's social media or regular media, we get this, these ideas about what perfect is, based on what we're influenced by, as opposed to what we really think. And anytime you're trying to. Work to someone else's standard, of course you're gonna beat yourself up because it's not your standard, you know? So, So recognizing that too, and saying, Okay, well, I know I wanna be the very best that I can be as a parent in this job, in this relationship. What does that mean to me? Not what does it mean in society, but what does that mean to me? What does it mean that I choose to. So really trying to shut out. I just call it noise. All of the noise that's around us all the time. Cause I really think that noise feeds mind clock.

Melissa: 19:21

Oh my goodness. And there is so much noise in our culture today.

Maria: 19:26

Yeah, there's just, there's an unbearable amount of noise, and that's another thing. I think that for me, what really shifted was to say, Okay, like I'm, I'm not gonna pay attention to that noise anymore. And of course I still do. I'm human, but I'm much better at being like, Oh, wait a minute. What do you really think about that? So a lot of it is just really starting to become aware of. What's going on in your mind and is it what you really wanna think? And if it isn't, why are you thinking that way? Does that track to some issue of self-esteem or some experience that. You can shift how you look at it. And I think that mind click comes in layers. So there can be a layer of mind click where you know, you're just having a bad day and your mind's saying like, Oh, everything's terrible and it's just gonna be terrible. And like, you're not gonna find a parking spot. You're not gonna do this, you're not gonna do that. That's a like surface layer. And I think for surface layer you can do a quick exercise, Shut that down right away if you find that. You keep having messages about self-esteem or about how you are in a relationship or how you are as a parent or how you are in a job. There can be deeper layers that are going on in there that track to limiting beliefs. And then for those, it's really great to work with a coach or a therapist to start to understand like, what is that limiting belief? Where did it come from? What would you rather. And then you can actually rewire that neural pathway and change the belief. And that might sound very out there, but I've done it. It is wonderful and it's very possible.

Melissa: 21:15

You know, I have done that recently myself. I received a message early in my life from an authority figure. That I couldn't sing. And the fact was I just got really nervous when I tried. But I carried that belief with me my whole life. Now I am never gonna perform at Carnegie Hall I don't necessarily have a beautiful voice, but I do have a voice that can sing it, can sing on key. Mm-hmm. and it can, you know, carry a melody. Yeah. But I had to do the work to a lot of work to change that belief, and it was important to me to do that. So, you know, if you had a message that was given to you from an authority figure, you know, a teacher, a parent, or otherwise early on, those can be the biggies that really cloud your

Maria: 22:05

mind. They really can. So it can be a message that can give was given to you. It can also be an experience that you went through, where based on the experience, you decided something about yourself. So, You had, you know, you had a bad interaction and you decided, Okay, well then I'm a bad person. I'm not good at relationships or something like that. And then that can influence everything going forward, which can make you feel like you're always the person in the wrong. And then you're gonna look for, Oh, well, how was I wrong? As opposed to actually thinking about like, Well, maybe what I did was fine, and the other person's really not acting appropriately. and just giving yourself that space to actually even ask that question changes everything. Yes.

Melissa: 22:57

When I was preparing to teach high school, I taught high school biology Oh. For a period of time. And, uh, I was terrified to speak in front of people as many people are. I would get clammy and shaky. My body would shake, my voice would shake, my face would turn red. You know, none of these things are great if you're gonna stand in front of a room full of teenagers and. So I remember one day I just told it myself and I was thinking, Oh, I can't stand in front of them and speak. And I thought, Oh, what if I could, Yeah, but what if I could, right? What if I just strolled in there and owned the room? And then I started thinking what that might look like. And I did it and it was fine. Yeah. They aren't privy to my inner thoughts.

Maria: 23:49

Yeah. Yeah. That's so beautiful. Especially because every time you make that same decision, you're just solidifying that feedback loop in your mind, which is, I'm great at speaking in front of people. It's no problem whatsoever. And yeah. That's wonderful. It's such a great, I, I think questions are so powerful, so asking yourself, Do I agree with this? Mind, click, Do I wanna agree with this? Mind click, do I believe what it's saying? And then what would I rather think? Mm-hmm. It's so powerful.

Melissa: 24:26

So Maria, surely you have a resource that can help us get started in this pathway.

Maria: 24:32

I do. Absolutely. If you go to my website, which is silence the mind clock.com, there is a free handout. That is five ways to push away mine Click. I'm not gonna tell you what they are. Here. You can go get this resource. And these are just like practical exercises you can do in the moment. This is more about silencing surface mind click. Um, another thing that's on my website is you can take a quiz called What the Clock. And that will tell you the type of mind clock you have going on that's loudest for you right now. And it will connect you immediately to some solutions.

Melissa: 25:14

And these links will be in the show notes. So folks, you can go to the show notes and one tap will take you right there to these tools. Now I have a really burning question. Okay? Do you have chicken?

Maria: 25:31

I have a stuffed chicken, well, actually I should say I have a stuffed chicken, and since I started this, people are giving me all forms of chickens. So I have I have chickens in

Melissa: 25:41

all forms, but I live

Maria: 25:44

in an urban area and I'm not allowed to have chickens. But I will tell you, I actually learned, So I was a Peace Corps volunteer and as part of my training, I learned how to hypnotize the chicken. And yeah. Um, for, So you, all you do is you tuck its head under its wing and you swing it back and forth a few times, just like you're kind of rocking something and then you set it down and it won't move, and it'll stay that way for a little while.

Melissa: 26:11

All right. Put it here. How to hypnotize a Chicken Uncomfortable Podcast. Share it with all of your friends. Exactly. And

Maria: 26:23

but I like to think that it's sort of a metaphor of silencing my clock.

Melissa: 26:27

Hm. Absolutely Maria, thank you so much. This has been a lot of fun and so much great information. I appreciate you being here. Again, if you wanna contact Maria or follow her or, uh,

Maria: 26:41

take those clucking tests,

Melissa: 26:45

the links will be in the show notes.

Maria: 26:48

All right. Thank you, Melissa. Thanks

Melissa: 26:49

so much. Thank you. Bye bye.

🎶 Episode Outro: Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. If this encouraged you, please consider subscribing to our show and leaving a rating and review so we can encourage even more people just like yourself. We drop a new episode every Wednesday so I hope you continue to drop in and be encouraged to lean into and overcome all the uncomfortable stuff life brings your way. 🎶